yesterday morning we biked to breakfast just before eight. joked about going dutch in this little dutch town at this little dutch diner where the only other restaurant goers had the slowest walks, the sweetest smiles, the whitest hair and prayed before they ate. it made me smile. it made my mama smile.

we saw stormy as he passed in his truck, heading to town. he was on his way in for the monthly gambling trip. taking his lady to the casino, have to get the women outta the house. give 'em a break from the cooking, the cleaning you know. and it gets him out of the woods too, he said laughing. stormy, going on ninety-two, predictor of the weather. frisbee golf enthusiast. maybe one hundred pounds. driving a blue pickup truck with a crinkly smile and the energy ENERGY of a teenage boy.

late late last night, again i couldn't sleep. and there was my dad saying let's go down to the beach. midnight by moonlight we walked down quietly. alone i would've felt a little scared. everything seemed spellbound in sleep. as if the sand and bugs and tall grass say to one another goodnight little lake friends brush your teeth get to bed i don't wanna hear a peep. cold sand under our toes. big sky above, wandering stretching scratched up heart below. we searched for some stars through the cloudy sky. found the north one and some others too. i hadn't even wanted to go. my confusion lately seems so big and there we were so so small. hopelessly reusable cliche that it is, it did the trick.

as if i am the one plotting this course. as if i put those diamonds in the lining of the dark blue sky. as if this restless heart isn't just beating and finding a new rhythm. searching for something. out. of. my. reach. hello! laughable really. i think it's all in how you wear it. as a burden, a blanket or as a fucking cape.

but every once in a while, as i know from my dearest aunt, it's okay to let out a primal scream. and for me, right now, i'm fighting off some crazy stress dreams. so let's call a spade a spade and say for now i need my blanket and a cape too. let go, let god. give in and never give up. trust in the love of the ones that i hold dear. and jump.