Well you know as a rule I don’t listen to a lot of certain bands. Won't go into that. I hear them, change the channel. Turn it off. If someone is playing them, I tune out. Mechanisms. What a funny thing to have happen. How human and curious. There are several great (temporary hello so temporary c’mon) losses there. But. It’s. Okay. It’s very very very small picture. Who knew the residue of pain could still dust it’s dirty paws over hands and ears, just to remind you. Just to remind you. Just to say I am here you are a weakling I am strong I can sneak into any little corner of the room and sit quietly next to you. If you’re not careful. Be careful. Pulling strings like a deatheater. It disgusts me. It is sad and dulling like where the wild things are. i'm sorry, i hated that movie. wanted to love it. wanted to. I saw a lady two days ago and she had the unsettling ability to look straight at me. What she said, I knew I wouldn't shake. Her heart is good I think, I love the smell of pretty green too and I’m pretty sure if I wanted to she would. What was supposed to be a relaxing break lead to tears later on and far too much wine. She nailed it, read me. Ran away fast. Fast as I could. I have learned to neatly fold things away, just an envelope in my heart. Locked, sealed, archived. Blank face, strong strong girl. Tune out fade away you’re your own surfboard baby and that sky! That big blue beautiful sky. It isn’t going away. And the truth is, everything IS groovy like a deep sea turtle. HAPPY. EXCITED. Healthy. In love. With so much. My family my friends and new ones. The animals healthy and dazzling summer nights. I am thankful. And that feels pretty damn good. God loves the sensitive ones. I think so too. Maybe he is keeping us for special projects. Could be true. And maybe I cried in bed with my mom the other night just because it needed to be. So exhausted so many little things building on my tiny mind. But I am thankful to be able to do that. And we talked and laughed and everything. Everything is fine. And my dad left a message and it said I just want to catch up and see how you are doing even though we talked maybe two days before (and it was a really sweet tone of voice so I saved it of course). But I know and I knew that I am a lucky lucky lucky one. And I love so so much and so so deep. Lock into my heart forever you I will keep. I don’t know why I write. I think it just helps get it out. It seems so narcissistic and that makes me feel weird and guilty and stupid. But I need it love it breathe it like fire and coffee and wine. I’m hoping this next path continues to develop. It scares me makes me feel too open too but connectedness is important. I don’t talk about it don’t share it, weirdly, it is a sacred personal space. But it makes me feel like I am really real. As long as my wacky brain and healthy hands have each other, I think I need it like blood love and water. We’re garbage when we’re not together me and you. I think you know you need me too. xoxo f